Calloustown by George Singleton

Author:George Singleton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Calloustown
ISBN: 9781938103162
Publisher: Dzanc Books
Published: 2015-09-04T04:00:00+00:00

Pitching Pennies

I expected a different downfall for my wife’s brother, something akin to murder or forgery. Long ago—and you can ask my groomsmen, because I told them all about Lee Wayne at the bachelor party when he disappeared for a couple hours—I predicted kidnapping, grand larceny, felony DUI, drug and gun trafficking, bigamy, and any number of paternity suits. I thought Lee Wayne might finally get caught scamming people out of their retirement savings, or selling stolen goods, or hooking up with chop shop men working a tri-state area. That’s how it is for men who insist on being called two first names, one of which is “Wayne.” There’s scientific and sociological proof. I predicted that Lee Wayne would eventually make his way to Nigeria to teach those Internet people how to siphon money from one account to another without repercussions.

The maximum penalty for the mutilation, diminution, or falsification of usable currency, according to United States Code title 18, part I, chapter 17, is about the same as the maximum penalty for littering. If I ever get married again—it’s logically possible that it could happen—I’m going to mention this to my new set of groomsmen, who’ll all be different than the first team I employed, seeing as those friends, for the most part, advised me against marrying Monica. In my defense, I found out only later that my wife went by Monica Marie up until the time she went to college. I don’t know if there’s ever been a scientific and sociological study about two-named women yet, but there should be. Kate “Ma” Barker. Mary Lou Retton.

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